By Brett Williams, MFT

“It feels like we’re brother and sister,” Ashley shares with Jason, her husband of 10 years. Ashley is saddened that their relationship has lost all its passion.  Their marriage is not a bad one—there is no fighting or conflict. The two of them have simply fallen out of love.  Three children and a new home has drained the intimacy from their marriage. 

What would you do with these two? Open up a dialogue?  Discussions, communication, and active listening are the standard answers.  At best our conversations will meet some of their needs but not both people’s needs.  At worse their conversations would create division.

What this couple needs, and what all couples need, is to fall back in love. Love is the reason for our relationships; love is what feeds our relationships. The question for Ashley and Jason is, what do they need to do to bring the love back into their lives?

The key to love is attention. More specifically Brett Williams, the author of You Can Be Right Or You Can Be Married, and the creator of the Date Night Deck, believes that love is the free gift of our attention.  “When couples are dating they bring all kinds of attention to each other on a daily basis, and their love is never stronger. After the vows are given, the pair stops pursuing and their attention is turned toward their careers, their new family, and taking care of the home.  This is when their love becomes starved for attention and the feeling of closeness begins to wane.”  

Intuitively everyone understands this relationship between love and attention; so much so that the words are used almost interchangeably.  Therefore in order for Ashley and Jason to reconnect they need to bring attention to one another. What they need is a weekly date night.

A movie and dinner is not going to cut it.  The way couples typically date brings very little attention. For the dates to be effective in creating closeness they must follow the principles that govern love/attention:

1)       Attention is drawn to novelty

2)       Energy grabs attention

3)       Attention comes in three forms

A great date will contain variety, vitality, and attention in a style the other person wants.  The first two elements are obvious, so let’s expand on the third principle of our regard and examine the three kinds of attention.

There are three ways in which people attend to the world:

1)       Visually

2)       Auditorily (talking)

3)       Kinesthetically (physical)

Some people use their eyes more than others; they attend to how things appear. Others are naturally good listeners and are acutely aware of what and how things are said. Finally, there are people who are geared towards physical contact and are attuned to touch.  Check out ABetterRelationship.net/DateNightDeck.html and click on Date Night Attention Test to download a quiz to evaluate what style of attention works best for you and your partner.

Jason and Ashley did not simple stop attending to each others needs.  A more likely scenario was that the style of attention they brought fulfilled one person’s needs but not the desires of their partner. Jason’s demonstrative style prompted him to give as well as crave touch. So when he provided attention to Ashley he did so in the physical style that he sought most. After a while, his singular focus on physical affection was not filling Ashley’s needs. 

In the same way Ashley’s efforts to keep a clean home was her way of bonding; because she is visual. However, that did very little for Jason.  Without appreciation and participation from Jason in keeping things looking nice Ashley’s desire for physical intimacy declined. 

With both giving attention in a way that is not fully recognized or reciprocated the two eventually stopped trying to please the other and the two drifted part.

To return those feelings of affection the pair must begin again to attend to each other’s needs in a way that the other person needs them.  A new product put out by Once Upon A Family could help—the Date Night Deck.

The Date Night Deck would help Jason and Ashley by providing new date ideas that are geared toward meeting each of their needs. The deck goes beyond providing suggested activities—the cards teach them to bring attention with energy, novelty, and ultimately in the way each person craves. 

For more information go to the webpage: ABetterRelationship.net/DateNightDeck.html.